Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
by Mizco
Summary: Marian's thoughts on the death of her father.


This is dedicated to Mira. I know that times are rough for you now, but they won't always be. Even through our darkest times we can find happiness and comfort.

* * *

I smiled softly at my memories, for they are all I have left of you. A little girl with soft curls waking from a nightmare only to find herself safe in his strong arms. When I close my eyes tightly I swear I can see him standing strong and proud in front of me. He was my knight, my protector, my savior, my father.

He was always my one constant in life. When I mourned the loss of my mother he stroked my hair and wiped my eyes. He told me that everything would be okay and that my mother would watch over me in heaven. When Robin left me for the Holy Lands he was there to tell me, _"that young Locksley boy is a fool to leave you." _He had become my life, my everything.

_You were once my one companion . . .  
you were all that mattered . . .  
You were once a friend and father,  
then my world was shattered . . ._

A knife can slice through flesh in the blink of an eye, and that's all it takes to alter the course of a life forever. Nothing was as it should be.

I was in the forest with Robin just like I had always dreamed, but at what cost. My father was lost to me forever, and all I could think of was our last moment together. I had called him weak and he had called me a dreamer. Our last conversation had been a fight. A fight that I knew caused his death. Had I not yelled at him, had I not gone on and on about how at least Robin and I would stand up and act, he never would have stolen the Pact of Nottingham. What did I do?

_Wishing you were somehow here again . . .  
wishing you were somehow near . . .  
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed,  
somehow you would be here . . ._

I have never felt so lost… so alone. Even with the constant chatter from Robin and the rest of the gang I feel like I'm surrounded by silence, by echoes of the past.

I dream of him constantly. They always start pleasantly. He and I are together and happy and then my dream shifts into a horrific nightmare as he is pulled from my side over and over. I watch as a shadowed figure pulls out a knife and I try desperately to reach him before it is too late, but I never make it. I see his murder replayed again and again.

So many what if's circle around in my head until I think I may go crazy. What if I hadn't been so stubborn? What if I hadn't tried to save Robin's life when the sheriff had the black diamonds? What if I hadn't left Guy at the alter? What if I never agreed to marry Guy in the first place? I must have made a mistake at some point, a wrong turn that cost my father his life.

The hardest part is knowing that I had failed him… that I had been a terrible daughter.

_Wishing I could hear your voice again . . .  
knowing that I never would . . .  
Dreaming of you won't help me to do  
all that you dreamed I could . . ._

Robin tells me that your last words were, "it is good to dream." This is the one thing that brings me solace. I close my eyes and wonder what you think of my fight, and I hope that you approve. I hope that I am making you proud. I know that I am not living my life the way you had once wished. I have chosen my own path, but you were the one who taught me how to choose. You told me that people always come first. You taught me to stand against injustice. In a way you created the Night Watchman. I never would have become who I am today if it had not been for your guidance. I swear to you that Robin and I will return England to its former glory. We will reinstate King Richard and right the wrongs of the sheriff and Prince John.

_Passing bells and sculpted angels,  
cold and monumental,  
seem, for you the wrong companions -  
you were warm and gentle . . .  
Too many years fighting back tears . . .  
Why can't the past just die . . .?_

My hands hover over your grave. I could not give you a head stone like mothers. I hope you do not mind. Hot tears form in my sore eyes, eyes that have already cried too much, as I look at the beautiful piece of wood before me. Will Scarlett did an amazing job. Carved delicately into the wood was a cross with rays of sunlight shining over it. Under your name read beloved father and dreamer. I traced the inscription for what must have been the hundredth time. I can't accept that you are gone. I refuse to accept that I will never see you again, never feel your warm embrace. I miss you so much.

_Wishing you were somehow here again . . .  
knowing we must say goodbye . . .  
Try to forgive, teach me to live . . .  
give me the strength to try . . ._

I know I must move on. I know that I have to go on living and fighting, but I don't know how. Not without you. How many times have I said that I must take care of you? I must protect you? And even now I turn to you for help. Help me father. I need to know that you are okay. I need to know that you are not disappointed in me. I'm not ready for you to be gone. You had so much more to teach me.

A small wind picked up and seemed to wrap around me. It almost feels like a hug. Shivers ran through my body at the sensation. Somehow I know it is you, and you are telling me that it is going to be okay.

_No more memories, no more silent tears . . .  
No more gazing across the wasted years . . .  
Help me say goodbye.  
Help me say goodbye!_

"I love you daddy," I whispered through tears as I laid a single rose over the fresh grave. A hand gently fell upon my shoulder and I looked up into Robin's sad eyes. I couldn't get through this without him.

"Are you alright," his voice was full of concern and love.

"I will be."


End file.
